I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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