if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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