i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Panties = found
Randomize
