1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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