There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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