Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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