I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
