I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
