Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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