Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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