do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
