I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
