Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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