Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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