He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
