I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
