There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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