True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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