after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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