i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
