Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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