i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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