he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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