jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
