i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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