I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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