His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
