she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
