two words: eviction party
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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