I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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