What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Enjoy the penises
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
