i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
