very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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