I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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