I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
