Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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