What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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