Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
