so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
