well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Randomize
