Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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