Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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