in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
