i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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