I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
