now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So much Jack, so little girl.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
