Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
