I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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