You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
