Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
