It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
